Pregnancy Ambivalence...
- bethanywoodger
- May 6
- 4 min read
Second pregnancy ambivalence… something I’d never considered or spoken to other mums about, until I found myself there!
As I come into my third trimester (how?!?) I’m reflecting back upon my pregnancy with our second child so far, and turns out no one was joking when they said anything after your first pregnancy is HARD!
This was a very much planned for and wanted baby, so when I found myself with such conflicting feelings in the first and early part of my second trimester, this was really hard to deal with. I struggled to tell people I was pregnant, I wanted to keep it to myself than plaster on a fake smile and pretend I was happy. Because deep down although I was happy, I also had racing through my mind “is this the right decision?” “Will my daughter be ok?” “Have we ruined our daughter’s life?” “How will we adapt to two?” I was also early pregnant during the Christmas period, so I think that 100% added to the mum guilt!
You feel that you’re expected to be smiley and happy and all things joyous and beautiful. Yet inside you’re crumbling. I also LOVED being pregnant the first time round, and expected to feel this straight away again… But I didn’t and this probably added to those conflicting feelings.
My first trimester was also ROUGH. Perhaps I’ve mentally blocked out how bad I felt in my pregnancy with A (maybe it was the three weeks off work for a cancelled Covid wedding, sat on the sofa with no toddler to run around after), but I felt awful this time. The nausea was on another scale - think sobbing in the middle of the kitchen staring at the food cupboards trying to work out what I wanted to eat because I was so hungry yet felt so crap! And the tiredness hit another level, it was Christmas and work was busy but I was so grateful to have this to give me another focus.
When you do tell people your news, you get met with some odd questions. “Was “it” planned??” was by far the strangest and most offensive. Firstly, my baby isn’t an “it”, secondly if this wasn’t a planned pregnancy - how would you expect someone to reply to this?!
The nicest comment I do remember came from one of my gym coaches Craig (an absolute gem of a coach) who when I told him, didn’t say congratulations but said “cool - how are you feeling about it?” This really took me back as no one else’s reaction had been like that, and it gave me a chance to talk if I had needed to that day.
But going back to these conflicting feelings… I started confiding in a few close friends who were mums, and turns out this is actually quite normal. A lot of them said they had felt the same but that there was often a shift during pregnancy, and if this didn’t happen during then once baby was here they had felt a whole load better.
I’m grateful to say I’ve had that shift, and I’m in my loving being pregnant stage… Apologies to those of you who hate every minute of being pregnant, I know that happens and I’m sending you my love.
Yes it’s much harder this time. I’m either working or running around after my three year old - for which I’m currently solo parenting whilst my husband is deployed (cheers for the cracking timing). I’ve also been experiencing the joys of SPD and back pain very early on - probably not helped by me never sitting down for 5 minutes, I’m my own worst enemy.
Whilst I’m wishing for the weeks to disappear so my husband is home, I’m also wishing that time would slow down so I can savour these moments of being pregnant. This is likely my last pregnancy, and I want to enjoy every minute of planning and prepping for our upcoming birth and new journey into parenthood. I’m loving watching my baby grow and feeling them move now that we’re a bit further on in my pregnancy (anterior placentas really are a whole new experience!) I’m also enjoying the time with my daughter before her world does get turned upside down, but hopefully in the best possible way.
I cannot take for granted either the incredible care and support I am currently receiving, and how freeing this is in comparison to my first pregnancy. I have taken absolute control of my care, who is in my zone and what decisions I make. Don’t get me wrong, I had incredible care and support during my pregnancy with A from two midwives who are also two of my closest friends, but it turns out declining what would be routinely offered to you and opting for alternative care and support is bloody empowering. More to come on this in the future…
Sending love to those of you who may be reading and resonating with the confusing pregnancy feelings. It’s ok not to feel ok about your pregnancy, no matter what circumstances you find yourself in. My inbox is always open and I’m here to chat at any time.
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